So it’s been a year since YOU “came back” in my life; a year of some back and forth feelings; a year since I wrote something. Abu and Shang are still around and putting up with my bullshit when it comes to YOU. But that’s why they are called me best friends. But YOU has been once again doing is mystery vanishing show on an intermittent basis.
Since we started to rebuild from last year we have had one big “break up”, 2 boys weekends, and a summer disappearing act. It’s actually getting to be comical. Nonetheless, I still continue to have some sort of hope that maybe, just maybe, he will actually give something in return. Let’s be honest here…after much reflection, I can safely say it’s been me doing all the hard work, the caring, the supporting, the reaching out! Fuck that! I’m done. I’m tired of giving my energy to make something positive out of this “relationship.”
When we made up after the last big break up, I was clear in that I’m only reaching out because although he is not sure about what he feels, I still love him and will always be there to support him – he just needs to reach out or at least allow someone to reach out to him. Since then, he does this “come and go” act that negatively affects any friendship he has with me or even with Abu and Shang. It has gotten to the point where even communication with him from me has changed.
For example, if I text him I make sure that it is almost in a professional manner. “Hi YOU, Hope you are well. The guys and I are doing whatever this Friday. You are welcome to join” or ” Hello You, just wondering if you are avail this weekend.” His responses are either delayed, or as simple as “Working, thanks for the invite,” or no response at all. Like what the fuck is that? In my head I’m like “WTF did we do?” or WTF did I do or say?” It’s so hard to figure him out. I used to be like “Hey boo..” or “I miss you, wanna join us..” Now, like I promised Abu and Shang, I keep it unemotional in order to avoid scaring him off or making him feel uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable is the word he used to describe me when I called him out on him lying to me about him working one day when he wasn’t. That hurt and that’s why the big “break up” occurred last winter. I should have ended the friendship then instead of trying to continue with something that I’m the only one invested in. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why him? Why do I keep hurting myself?
Is there an answer to this?
On the Fence about Life 