So many times I kept asking myself, “will YOU reach out?” “Will YOU even apologize?””Will you ever come back?” My question was eventually answered…YOU reached out. YOU apologized. YOU came back! Now, my question is “for how long?”
Meeting up for dinner was absolutely nerve racking. Going from a simple “how are you” to seeing YOU face to face was an absolute challenge. I remember telling some of the guys how nervous I was, how my hands were cold and clammy, and how much I was sweating. With a few simple words of encouragement from Abu and Shang, I managed to compose myself and sit in front of YOU.
Seeing eye to eye with the man I have strong feelings for (ok, who am I kidding…the man I love) was harder than I thought. However, that feeling subsided so quickly that I felt nothing had happened and that we were still in the same place we were five months earlier.
At the restaurant, we talked; we laughed; we giggled; we smiled together. It felt good. It felt…normal. We asked each other questions as if we were in an interview. For two hours we spent catching up on each others lives while eating wontons and noodles. For two hours we smiled back and forth at each other. For two hours…we avoided the most important question…why did it all stop?
At the end of dinner, as the restaurant emptied out, I suggested we go somewhere more private, and not just the parking lot of a busy plaza. So I followed him to a local park where we parked next to each other, opened the back door of our SUVs, sat on the edge of the vehicle and just stared at each other for what felt like forever. Neither one of us said a word for a while. It wasn’t till he giggled and said “so, I’m here!” That broke the ice and I replied “and I appreciate that.” I took a chance and said “I’m sorry.”
That opened up a three hour conversation that included apologies, clarification of feelings toward each other, and how to move forward including the need to rectify things with Abu, Tito, and Shang. YOU acknowledged that he does need to mend things with the boys. I offered him my support and told him that not matter what he is still and will always be part of the crew. Most importantly, a part of me. I did have the nerve to ask him if we are good. “I’m here, ain’t I?” he said. After a quick pause, I approached him, opened my arms, and we both embraced for what seemed like an eternity. It was heartwarming and made all the negative feelings flow away.
I guess we’re okay. But am I okay with being “just okay?” Only time will tell. He knows what I feel for him and he has said “nothing has changed.” Hard to believe but we will see. The only thing I don’t feel good about is that he is more scared of reaching out to the boys than he was reaching out to me. I’m probably over thinking things, but I’m hoping this is the re-starting of a beautiful, complicated relationship. Like YOU says “we have a special relationship that others may not understand.” To be honest, I sometimes don’t understand it either. But hey, it is what it is. I just hope Abu, Tito, and Shang are still willing to take him back with open arms. Otherwise, YOU may be here now, but for how long.
On the Fence about Life 