If you are reading this, then you are probably curious as to what happened. Well, what else do you think would have happened in a hotel room? We had sex! But that’s not the point of this story. The point is that having sex meant things were going to be different for us and the friendship we had for so many years. Would it change? Would it make things weird? Would it open his eyes to a different world and opportunities?
The answer is yes to all three. Things were weird at first and yes it did change how I saw him. And yes, it opened his eyes to an opportunity which he quickly took advantage of but one I refused to acknowledge for the longest time. When you experience something special and unexpected with someone whose always been special to you, you become blindsided by those feelings and emotions. I can actually admit that I was not only blindsided but taken advantage of.
Over the next several months, and dare I say, years, Antonio would send me love letters, text me messages expressing how much he missed me, and calling me to check-in. But what I realize now is that all those things he did were simply tactics used to win my heart and provide him with what he needed. He started to tell me that he needed money for school and that he still couldn’t find a job. Stupidly, without hesitation, I would send him money regularly. His thank you consisted of “you are the best”, “I love you,” and “when you return, I will make sure I will make you happy.” I later figured out that that last comment was him basically using sex as a form of payment.
I actually fell for it all. And it took me such a long time to come to my senses and realize that everything was just a delusion of mine. He knew I am bi and used my feelings to get what he wanted. Once I caught on to his plan and called him out on it, the calls, texts, and letters stopped. I asked him if he was gay or bi. He would angrily reply with “I’m straight.” He blocked me from social media accounts, and changed his number. I sent messages to him via his family, but never got anything in return. I later learned he got married and didn’t even bother to tell. But why would he. I was nothing to him anymore. Well good for him.
The point is, why is he reaching out now. Does he want to apologize? Did he finally realize the asshole he was by using and hurting me? Does he actually want to build a friendship similar to the one we had before everything happened? So many emotions and so many thoughts have ran through my head. Considering he is one of the few men I have ever fallen in love with, it hurts to even think of him. Antonio and YOU (read other blogs to learn about who YOU is) are the two men who I can say I have loved and both have hurt me. Regardless, I keep doing this to myself. I let my heart fall for people who treat me as the king of the world only to discover nothing was there. Am I an idiot? Why do I let that happen? My heart pounds at the mention of their names – Antonio and YOU! I need to move on somehow.
So Antonio texted…”let’s talk. I need help.”
My response… “No thank you! Too late! Goodbye.”
Reality … I’m hurting not being able to talk to either of them (Antonio or YOU)!!!
On the Fence about Life 