There are very few times in life that you have these butterfly feelings in your stomach. I’m not talking about the ones you feel going down a rollercoaster at 60 km/hr. Nor am I talking about the feeling when you are about to give a presentation to the senior executives. I’m talking about the feeling you get thinking about that one person. When you think about their smile, their voice, their smell…yup, that feeling!
In this case, there’s just something about You that amplifies those feelings. Needless to say, You is the name of the person, who for now, will remain nameless. Maybe one day I will be able to tell you his name. But for now, let’s call him “You.” Every time I even think about him, You gives me that butterfly feeling which makes me smile; makes me feel safe; makes me feel like someone actually cares.
From the first moment I met him, I knew that I wanted him to be a part of my world. As chaotic as it was, both personally and professionally, I wanted him there. His smile, his mannerisms, his charm just made every moment with him so amazing. He made me blush without even trying. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know how to approach him. All I knew is that I wanted him to be a part of me.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t get close to him when I wanted to. It would have been awkward. But one day, I just happen to speak to him and all of the sudden I was inviting You to an event that wasn’t even happening. I made up a story about a night out with friends, which was never in the works. Regardless, I still had the courage to talk to him and invite him out and HE AGREED!!! I had not smiled liked that in years.
Since taking that leap of asking him out, there was always something about You that I could never put my finger on. Did he think of me the way I thought of him? Did he know about me and my “other-side?” Did he just accept to go out as friends? Till this very day, I still don’t know. Nonetheless, the last couple of years have had its ups and downs in this “friendship” until recently when everything went into the toilet.
For awhile I suspected he had feelings for me. But I was never sure what kind of feelings they were. I have actually told him how I felt, but he never accepted or denied that his feelings were the same. We shared with each other poems, musics videos, lyrics, and messages that if anyone read them, would assume we had the same feelings. Boy was I wrong….or was I?
A few months back I finally confronted him based on a song You sent to me. When I asked him if what the lyrics were saying was what he was trying to tell me, he said yes. But after telling him I loved him (stupid mistake, I know), he turns to me and says he loves me too….as a FRIEND!!!! Really!!!??? As a friend. My heart was broken. After years of trying to develop something that would be supportive and caring of each other, he tells me we are just friends!!!! I didn’t know what to say.
We haven’t spoken since that night back in April. I’ve tried to text him numerous times with minimal to no response. He did say Happy Birthday to me and I said the same to him. I tried to invite him out with the guys and me, but no interest expressed. My last message to You was June 9, where I requested that if he didn’t want me to text, to please let me know and I would not insist….there was not reply back.
I still think about him. I see him online and my heart breaks. I hear the songs we shared together and I begin to cry. How long is this feeling going to last? Like I said, there is just something about You that keeps me hanging on…has me keeping my hopes alive that one day, he will message and say “let’s talk.” But one can only dream. I dream about him. I miss him regardless of the miscommunication. I want him back in my life. Yes, that may sound pathetic, but I can’t help it. Maybe because there was never closure. Who knows if that will ever happen. You is a man who I can honestly say I LOVE!
By the way, I know I love him. But what I didn’t mention, is that I am also married to a female with kids. Hello plot twist!!!!
On the Fence about Life 